I know it will pass, it always does but I hate feeling this way anyway. I'm going to occupy my time with projects and art and working on my own quality existence. Damn hippie :)
It's time for my mid-year assessment. How am I doing this year on the loose set of goals I have given myself?
Get better at dancing.I'm loving dancing, and I feel I can become a student of it, so I want to put more hours into it as often as I can.
Move from my apartment.This is in the works. I just need to find a place that suits me, and not settle for whatever I can get because I think that might be my only option. I have a habit of doing that in a lot of aspects in my life.
- Flush out my animation reel. I've been making animation connections as best I can, and even though I have this illustration job, animation is my first love.
- Put together a children's book portfolio. I've met quite a few people in the children's book illustration field over the last few weeks and I want to use that. I'm going to get back to my BFA and put together a new and more polished body of children's book work.
- Complete one of the novels I've been working on. Okay, I'm not a big writer really, but I do love a story. I've been working on and off of a fantasy story since I was sixteen. I want to finally finish it. If anyone would like to read it, I'll provide details later. I could use the feedback
This is one project that I've recently rekindled and as I finish the story I'm envisioning a graphic novel.
- Get a car/license. I don't drive. I really have no desire to drive, but I should learn and get a moto.
I'm a loner. I always have been. But I do love good quality people around me. I prefer this more than quanitity. I guess because I'm so content to be by myself it appears to others that I don't want to be bothered.
I guess that makes it, I can't say 'easier' to purge, but more able for me to purge things in my life that I feel fluster me or are becoming toxic to me. Seems I did that a lot this year. Makes me wonder if some of those decisions were wise. I don't do it for fear of getting hurt, but more like all I seem to get from this is hurt. I don't like putting up with stuff that seems to never change. Oh well. I tend to be polarizing and I tend to be labeled as antisocial.
But I get offend by that, because I try. Why do I have to be the one to suffer when other people adhere to a group that they have problems with too but don't want to rock the boat. I just can't deal with that but it makes me look mean. I wish it made me look bad ass. That I could deal with.
I don't like to beat around the bush, I'm sure you all can see that about me. Good thing I like being alone in my jumbled up mind.
But I get offend by that, because I try. Why do I have to be the one to suffer when other people adhere to a group that they have problems with too but don't want to rock the boat. I just can't deal with that but it makes me look mean. I wish it made me look bad ass. That I could deal with.
I don't like to beat around the bush, I'm sure you all can see that about me. Good thing I like being alone in my jumbled up mind.
Speaking of which, I'm looking into taking an adult dyslexia test. Someone pointed out the possibility to me when I mentioned my mixing up letters and seeing words and letters, but having a hard time saying them out loud. It would be interesting to know. I'll keep you posted on that. Hopefully by the end of the year I'll have insurance and can have a proper test done.
But the year still has four months left. I got tons of time to make some changes! Tons of time.
And one thing I'm gonna work on is this pattern. I've looked through my personal stash and I don't have anything like this. I'm trying to track down a 36 bust if I can. I have a few I could alter, but I want this pattern, and when you want something, substitutes won't do. Hey! THAT'S how I feel! That explains a lot, actually. I'm freaking sick of substituting, so what if I have to go it alone a lot of the time. I'd rather do that then fester in metirorcity. Hear hear, me!
Okay, I feel a bit better now. Gotta work, then sew.
I'll see you lovely people later!
If you don't need to drive, consider yourself lucky and strike it from the list. There is little enough time for the things we really want to do, or must do, to bother with those that are neither
ReplyDeleteeven if you are not dyslexic, a lot of lefties (HI!) have dyslexic tendencies.
ReplyDeleteThere are dyslexic fonts that are 'weighted' to make the stay on the page better when you are reading (google them) you might check out.
Only time will tell whether giving up dancing will be a good thing. Having said that, if you have goals to accomplish things maybe you are not intended to dance because it takes you away from accomplishing your other goals. How important are the other goals to you? There are, unfortunately, only a certain number of hours in a day/week to get things done. Keep moving forward ....
ReplyDeleteWow, I would love to not being to need a car!
ReplyDeleteI am very much like you. I do not "group think", and I speak out when there is something that is wrong or bothers me.
Ah, the seeking of the pattern -- it keeps me up at nights.
I have been visiting your blog on and off for a while and love it. This post really resonated with me. I too feel cold inside (I am bipolar II but going through depressive phases one after the other. I too have written lists for this year but have so little motivation and can't even get out of bed today. ANd I too have few quality friends. I much prefer my own company although breakfast with a mate at the weekend is bliss.
ReplyDeleteOh and I love that pattern too.
Take care, it all will pass and I'll be back to read more of your journey :-)
Kia kaha. (it's hard to translate - it means be strong but when used includes an element of "its tough but hang in there". I love your blog, and wish I could buy all your patterns. The world needs people who see when the status quo needs changing and do it. Now think about the good stuff you've done that isn't on your list!
ReplyDeleteThat dress is great - can't wait to see what you do with it.
At least your apartment is a real gem, which is a lot, especially for a loner who likes to do art projects at home :-). And the dancing thing is very unfortunate. Maybe in time you can find some other way to do it without all the crap that came with it, like as a formal part of a group or something?
ReplyDeleteBut live in LA and not drive? You're not helping yourself. I prefer to live in cities with public transportation too, I've spent most of my life on the bus happily. But there's a level of transportation below which life becomes totally constrained. I drove when I lived in Connecticut for instance. I think SF is getting to the point where you must have a car. LA has been down in the bottom of that barrel for decades, if not centuries. If you feel like your life is maybe feeling a bit tight around the armholes, it's because you can't easily get yourself out where you might want to be. Take out the yellow pages, interview some driving schools, offer a bit of graphic work as trade, and get yourself behind a wheel! Really. There's a great teacher in SF who specializes in older NYers approaching cars for the first time, surely there's someone like that in LA, ask the nearest NYer whose mom just moved out to be near them :-).
Actually M-C, LA has one of the best transit systems in the nation. Seriously. I know, right, surprised me too. Its no perfect, but its massive and gets me where I need and in most cases want to go. If Im leaving the LA metropolitan area (which is no small area) it can be a challenge, but for the most part, scooting to the venues and parties I go to isn't a problem, just about 20% more time consuming.
ReplyDeleteI lived in SF for 5 years and never drove there either. I LOVED MUNI but rarely rode Bart.
Thanks all for the words, I appreciate it :)
I feel cold and empty sometimes too, but I think all creative people have that streak, and those who sew I find are the most naturally creative. Since you draw on top of that, it makes sense, I think. I often find using emotions as a catalyst for art or sewing projects really helps.
ReplyDeleteAs for the car, if you don't need it, then don't bother! Less responsibility, less expenses, and especially if you can get by without one.