I know it will pass, it always does but I hate feeling this way anyway. I'm going to occupy my time with projects and art and working on my own quality existence. Damn hippie :)
NVL's 2012 Mid-Year assessment
I wish I could quantify where I am right now in the year. I wish I were feeling better about where I am, but not guilty because so many I know are worse off. I wish I felt better now like I did 4 months ago. I wish I didn't feel so cold inside.
I know it will pass, it always does but I hate feeling this way anyway. I'm going to occupy my time with projects and art and working on my own quality existence. Damn hippie :)
I know it will pass, it always does but I hate feeling this way anyway. I'm going to occupy my time with projects and art and working on my own quality existence. Damn hippie :)
Fashion Show Extreme!!
Hi all!
Thanks for your words on my last post. But I am done with swing dancing.
I may look at it again next year, but I don't think so.
I have a lot of free time now. Truthfully, I've been sleeping more this week. It's been good. I also decided to do a 10 day juice fast just to clear out my system. You can read about that a bit here.
I have spent the week going on long walks and doing some sewing. I've finished a ton of projects, some for other people and some for me.
Swing Dancing: 1, Shelley: 0
I'm quitting swing dancing.
I Just have no heart for it anymore. I was thinking about doing it after Camp Hollywood to tell you the truth. Recent social dancing and not making the team was the real last straw. I can't keep putting myself through it.
I feel like I'm a joke. I've just come to the realization that I will never be able to earn respect as a dancer in the scene. I will always be the paying student, no matter what skills I develop. I can't compete with the cute girls who can flirt their way into dance lessons and in 6 months be respected as a dancer. Why continue to try?
You just are not considered a viable follow unless you can do arials. Period. Now, whether or not you DO them is different, but unless its perceived that you can, why is a lead going to invest in you if that is what takes you far as a dancer, right? But guys, they can be 250-300+ pounds and be an amazing dancer. I choke on the double standard.
This feels like I'm in an abusive relationship, because I love swing dancing so much, but it does not love me. I'm tired of the hours of practice outside of class on my own, the money, the time, the passion I've put into it (only second to my drawing/art to tell you the truth), and I'm still just a customer. I can't get past how people see me, and why should I take that burden? I can't control how people see me but I am constantly seeking approval from people in this scene. Why am I doing this to myself?
I don't have much fun when social dancing. I have no opportunities to hone my skills. I can't find a dance partner, and I'm spent of taking classes that don't improve my skills.
My heart is broken, because I don't think what I want is unreasonable. I want some respect, especially when you see girls who start out where you are, and they have it. I've never gotten it since I've been doing this. I'm just a 'newbie' whether it's classes, or events, or the bar. No one comes to me and says, "Man, I hoped you be here so we can dance together!" I can't tell you how many people I've said that to.
The scene is toxic for me, and it won. I'm letting it go.
I'm looking into yoga. We will see what happens.
Crammed Schedule
Good morning everyone! It's Friday and you know what that means!? THE WEEKEND!! A nice restbit from a hectic week.
I know I always mention to you how busy I am. I don't do it to seem like a Super Woman, but I am known for cramming in as much as I can into 'free time' or 'down time'. Why? I just don't like to waste time. I'm always day dreaming or thinking of stories or planning things or whatever, so my days are always filled. Actual activity as I'm getting ready for, well, actual activity, I also like to plan.
I don't mean plan as in write down calendar wise or anything that extreme.
More of a map of the day, generally planned in 15 min increments,
noted in my head for the most part.
My day starts in the morning, 6:00AM. Depending on how much I pushed myself last night, I will have either take a shower that night or I'll do it this morning. I don't leave the house until 7:50AM, but I like the extra decompression time when I wake up. I generally fill this time with odd projects if I can manage it.
Right now I'm working on the red jeans. They are coming along.
Some of my Camp Hollywood wardrobe
Good morning everyone.
I've been in my head lately. Well, I'm always in my head, but I tend to over think on everything. I'd equate it to some sort of calculative deductive reasoning, but I'm not that inquisitive, or even that motivated.
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